there's paint all over my hands

i feel an old chapter of my life ending and a new one starting...i'm not sure where this will take me or what i'll do but i'll damned well enjoy every waking minute of it. i'm open to change and excitement..new thrills and old fun...new people and some old friends too.

part of me is itching for the wind to blow me far away.

part of me is itching for the ground to keep me here.

however, if i find the way to making me happy involves moving, i'm going...going for it...not let anything or anyone hold me back...i'm taking back myself...reclaiming what i dropped ages ago...starting anew, yes.

february is going to be a good month...and will jumpstart my ass into loving life in 2009

i can never win

I feel like a loser at life. i'm almost 27 and i have nothing to show for it. i feel like i keep getting screwed over all the time. i go to school, it gets me nowhere. i go again, same thing. my resume has gaps all over the place and no cohesiveness. i suck. i'll be unemployed in two weeks with no job prospects anywhere in the los angeles area. my relationship is done. i need a new place to live but can't afford to move so i'm thinking i'll be back at my parents' house by march. i really just want to kill people and break things. i'm extremely angry and think it's completely unfair that i'm in this situation while i see a lot of people my age excelling and being successful- in general, at life. where did i go wrong? what am i supposed to do? who will give me a chance? i'm so stressed that i woke up this morning feeling like my shoulders and neck were inflated like balloons. i also have had this middle back pain that is not helping the stress pain now engulfing my shoulders. i'm at the end of my rope. i don't know what to do anymore. i don't know where to go...what job to look for, nothing. i feel completely hopeless. i also feel like this has been the recurring theme the last few years. i just can't win.

i am so angry i can't even take it anymore

The amount of anger I have toward my job is astronomical. I'm on the verge of quitting with out having a new job lined up...I don't even care if it takes me forever to find a new one. I can't stand the idea, the thought of going to work. They lie and cheat us out of our fair pay by having the most fucked up policies. How am I supposed to be penalized for the fact that no one is shopping? NO ONE. All day I've been stewing with anger. ANGRY that I have to find a new job because I know at the end of the month I'll be told that I'm sucking and that I won't be able to stay much longer. Definitely not after February. Why should I be scammed out of my wages because the economy is shit? How can they deny that the economy is crap? How can they get away with lying to us telling us that we get 6.75% commission rates on all clothing when in fact half the stuff we sell we're getting 5%. Oh OOPS, they must have overlooked that little detail! What really angers me is that they know they're screwing people over and they don't give A DAMN.

I'm scrambling to find a new job so I can put in my two weeks and say FUCK YOU BLOOMINGDALES!!!!!!!!! The only problem is, I can't find any jobs to apply for! I feel constantly dicked over by any job I've ever held and my qualifications go unseen by the jobs I really want to get. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I just want to SCREAM!!@!$@#!@#@$

I'm at the point where I want to start a new life. A huge part of me doesn't want to bother looking for work here in Los Angeles. This could be the time for me to relocate like I've been wanting to do for 4 years now. I know enough people in major cities that I can go there and apply to jobs and see what happens. This is something I've been seriously considering within the last few weeks. It's just a hard decision to make because it involves making a bunch of choices.

2009 wtf?

Is it really New Year's Day? It doesn't feel like it (I had to work today, which sucked). Just like Christmas didn't feel like Christmas and I wasn't in the mood..same with Thanksgiving, Halloween and every other holiday this year. Everything seemed completely uninteresting and generic and un-holiday like. Days were and are just days. Nothing had significance to me anymore, at least in 2008. 2008 was not what I wanted it to be. I had expectations and ambitions and they all just went *poof*. I lost all motivation to do anything, spent the entire summer broke, bored, unemployed and bitter. I barely saw anyone this year and found myself alone for the most part. I quit one crappy job and ended up in yet another crappy job. The economy collapsed and I suffered and am still suffering barely living off the little bit of money I'm getting from a lotta work I'm doing. I moved twice and I think I'm on the verge of moving a third time. I started a relationship but now it feels like it could be ending all because I need to get my life together. Am I being selfish? I'm not sure. I'm trying to figure it out.

I plan to actually do things this year. I'm tired of everything and I want to change it all. At this point, everything is up in the air and on the rocks so I guess slowly but surely I'll get things rolling and get myself squared away.

2009 resolution: Get a new life and some ambition

soon aglago will run the white house

The other day I saw a pic of one of Obama's speechwriters with a cut out of Hillary Clinton and it looks like he's grabbing at her cardboard boob. I thought that he looked pretty young to be the next President's fucking speechwriter. Anywho, today I see a link on yahoo to a story saying he's 27 and has this ridiculous job. Here is the article. I'm reading on la la la, has the most important job, is the youngest speechwriter ever, blah then I get to the best part and I'm just going to copy and paste it.
"Three months ago, Favreau lived in a group house with six friends in Chicago, where he rarely shaved, never cooked and sometimes stayed up to play video games until early morning. Now, he has transformed into what one friend called a "Washington political force" -- a minor celebrity with a down payment on a Dupont Circle condo, whose silly Facebook photos with a Hillary Rodham Clinton cutout created what passes for controversy in Obama's so far drama-free transition"

EXCUSE ME? This guy was a dirty co-op living hippie, what? Since when were they trolling "group homes" and co-ops for White House staff? If that's the case, shoot I live in a house with 11 people, 4 cats, a hen and a duck. Why hasn't Aglago gotten the memo? We've got all sorts of talent under this roof. Between all of us we can produce many fruitful things for the White House. Here is a list of all the services we could provide and be of value for the Obama Camp:

-Live music for personal pleasure or entertaining heads of state or parties
-Landscaping, gardening and composting
-Very experienced personal computer techs available on call
-Various cooking and baking styles and flavors
-Psychic intuition for those not so sure moments
-Self-portraits and personalized peices of art perfect for presents
-Seamstresses
I could go on...You get the picture. Where's my fancy White House job?!?! With Aglago in the White House, great things would happen. Unique art, social reforms, legalization of marijuana, more funding for public transit, urban farming etc, etc. Come on, America, YES WE CAN!! YES WE CAN! !

san franblogging

Greetings from the City by the Bay, aka my favorite city in California, aka my former home at one time, aka SAN FRANCISCO. What better way to spend my two days off in a row, woo! Mental vacation yay! One of my biggest regrets, yes I have a few, is moving away from San Francisco after college. I guess things happen for a reason and boys come and go from my life, etc etc. I just love this city and I still want to move back. This time I think I'm going to set a time frame. I figure now while I have a shitty job is a good time to plan a move. We'll see.

I arrived last night. I have flown Virgin Atlantic and had claimed that it has the best coach seats out of all the airlines. Well, I flew Virgin America and it was equally awesome. Seats are not too tight and there is a ton of leg room. It's also visually awesome. There are purple and blue lights and white seat backs with tvs for everyone. It just has a fun fresh style, plus free games and movies/music for all. OH, and you can chat seat to seat..wtf? I almost wished I wasn't alone because it would have been fun to chat on the plane. You can totally chat with seat 10b from seat 20A...it's pretty sweet.

Today I went to the De Young museum to see the Yves Saint Laurent exhibit. Amazing pieces of clothing, I can't even describe them. Works of art really. I stopped at USF on the way back to get a drink and check out the campus. I went downtown afterwards to hang out before going to my brother's house for dinner. My niece is the awesomest. She's ridic. I hadn't seen her in two years. She's quite the character. She seems pretty smart and talks it up, in both English and Russian, no problem. It was a good visit.

Now I'm drinking a ridiculously over priced tall can and watching one of my netflix movies that I've had for a month now. Oye. My other one I've had for 3 months. I'm just gonna mail it back. Tomorrow night I leave =( So sad. I'm not sure what I'll do tomorrow. I have to check out by noon and my flight isn't until 8something. I'll probably just hang out around here since it's supposed to be sunny tomorrow. There's a free museum downstairs I can go check out. Of course I won't want to leave. I never do. It sucks. I love my fog and cold weather, fresh sea air, foghorns, and everything else. Ugh, I need a longer vacation. Maybe soon, maybe east.

week of the weak

So I had a few "celeb" sitings, as always, last week. First was Rachel Leigh Cook. She's totally cute and nice and I'm not sure what else she's been in that I've actually seen except that one teen movie she did with Freddie Prinze Jr. Yeah that's right, She's All That. You know you saw it too so SHUT UP.

Next. Kim Kardashian. Famous for absolutely nothing but having a rich deceased father and a mom that remarried rich. Smart women. To some she may be famous for her fat ass. Okay let me be the one to break it to you all, it's not that big. She's not that tall and probably a size 5 and all she probably does are a lot of assercizes to make her ass super toned. That is all. If I lost 20lbs and worked out I'd look just like her. Me and my fat assssssssssssssssssssss.

I actually had the weekend off, yay. Unfortunately I was deathly ill on Saturday due to what could be an array of things...too much alcohol, something I ate, or a dirty homogay trying to drug me. So, my friend Ben is back in town, yay, so that means going out to gay bars and such. I never really went out in WeHo so I was like awesome sure! We headed out and our first stop was Fiesta Cantina for a margarita. Yummy. Then after man watching we went to The Abbey which I have really wanted to go to considering the only Abbey I've ever been too was the one in San Francisco and it's pretty different considering it's an Irish pub- I'm talking F.O.B. Irish men. Anywho, we had a snack and another drink and hung out. Met a cool dude and decided after awhile to go back to Silverlake and go to Akbar instead. At this point I'm nicely buzzed and having an awesome time.

We get back home and I'm ready to go to Akbar so we walk down the street and this is where my night goes all WRONG. I was fine, absolutely fine until I started drinking there. I think I may have had one or 2 gin and tonics. I danced some, chatted with an old school friend some, danced some more and was having a great time. Then I vaguely remember leaving, don't remember coming home, or walking into my room, or changing into my pjs...the only thing I remember is waking up being like wtf at vomit on my pillow case and sheet. I then looked into the trashcan, which had found its way next to my bed, and realized that I had thrown up in it. Really? I DON'T REMEMBER THAT. Cut to the morning when I wake up DYING. Head swirling and my stomach in the worst condition ever. Now, I'm not going to lie, I've drank way more and never been sick. I have had more, on an empty stomach, gotten sick but not to the extent of this SICKNESS. I couldn't move all day. I was bed ridden for most of the day except for the times I went to the porcelain throne or when I stepped outside to get some air. I couldn't even hold down water. It was a mess. I can't drink for at least a week or forever depending on my liver. I'm just like what the hell happened? Here are a few ideas- my body decided to lower my tolerance for alcohol thus giving me minor alcohol poisioning, I ate something fishy, literally that didn't agree with everything else in my stomach + booze, a gay man spiked my drink with the intention of making me his fag hag by blacking me out so he could steal me away to his gay boy wonderland....WHO KNOWS. All I know is that it was terrible and my stomach still doesn't feel as strong yet. Oh well

I finally got a haircut yesterday. I found this spot up the street (shameless plug for Refuge) and got an awesome haircut for a pretty decent price considering the time spent cutting it and the outcome. I'm pleased.

Right now I'm just thinking of jobs to look for unless the one I'm in starts paying out. Commission? What commission? I'm not getting any and haven't been for a month which means I'm getting checks smaller than an In n' Out worker. Yeah, that's right. I'd like to give a big FUCK YOU to all the skanks that return clothing. You know who you are, I see you, we all know who you are and avoid you all like the plague. The Returners. Those cheap bastards that wear clothes and return them. We know you wear them, it's so obvious, how do you not feel embarassed or ashamed. Especially all of you that return clothing purchased well over 6 months ago. You tasteless bastards are ruining my life. If you can't afford the clothes, don't buy them and return them months later and repeat. I'm in debt to my job because of you shameless cunts. And if you do wear them, since you have the tags cut off already, just wash them. I'm sick of smelling your night clubs, moth balls, B.O. and other filth that permeates that clothing that you shove in our faces to get your money back. DIE ALL OF YOU.

Happy Monday, Bitches!